赖皮xD

最近粉上了Anthony Jeselnik（安东尼·折寿孽），他总是一脸正经地掉节操他的笑话总是充满黑色幽默与政治不正确。我觉得他又帅又嘴欠，再加上他的长相和性格都很像我以前的一个基友……好喜欢好喜欢！

戳我观看：Anthony Jeselnik - Thoughts And Prayers

这个视频有中文字幕没有英文字幕。

我在这里把一些我喜欢的梗的英文打出来，不再翻译了。

---

I, of course, live in Los Angeles. I've got a nice place. Obviously.（笑声）

My brother's been staying with me for a couple of weeks now, which has been awful. 

My brother's crazy. Even my neighbours hate him. 

The other day I opened up the door, I caght him masturbating（手淫——实用词汇记住了啊！）. 

He looks me right in the eyes and goes, "SHUT THE DOOR."（笑声）

I say, "GET INSIDE!!"（爆笑、鼓掌）

My family loves it when I put them in jokes. They love it. 

They'll be like, "Anthony, please put me in your next joke." 

And I'll say, "Are you sure? Cause I'm going to make you a pedophile（恋童癖）."（笑声）

Then they'll be like, "We don't care. We just want to be a part of this thing you got going on." 

So I wrote that joke and I put my brother in it. 

And I was in Chicago, where he lives, doing a show.

After the show he comes backstage, and I say, "Mikey, what did you think about that new joke? Did you like the shoutout（“宣传”之类的意思） I gave you?"（笑声）

And he gets all uncomfortable. He says, "Well, the crowd seemed to think it was funny. But I think it's kinda weird that you got a joke where you wanna fuck me."（笑声）

And I say, "What, Mikey? No, no Mikey. You're my brother! That's a joke about you masturbating in front of my house." 

And he goes, "Yeah. And then you're like, 'Get back inside'."（大笑）

Just in case you guys are wondering whether or not my brother's a fucking idiot.（大笑、掌声）

破梗：折寿孽讲了一个关于他哥在折寿孽家门前打灰机的笑话，他的哥哥却将这个笑话的笑点误解成是折寿孽想和自己OOXX。因为house这个单词现在已经有了很多种多样的意思……在他哥的理解里，house大概就相当于“后庭”的意思吧。我在听这一段的前半部分的时候，已经在心里说：这笑话很容易引起歧义啊……（羞愧）

---

Yeah I've got a nice place. Try to keep it nice. Not always successful.

Like I tried getting a puppy. Disaster.

Had to get rid of that puppy. Had to get rid of that puppy almost immediately.

The first time I left it home alone.（咬牙切齿） THE FIRST TIME I left that puppy home alone, that damn thing, toured my entire place apart. Shit everywhere. AND starved to death.（大笑——笑折寿孽不给狗狗备食物）

（对某观众说）Why are you mad?

I'm the one that couldn't get his money back. （爆笑——你丫的不心疼狗狗反而心疼钱！）

And this is traditionally where crowds really start to turn on（反感；反对；突然攻击） me,（笑声）after I killed a puppy with neglect（笑声）.

It's okay. It's okay. 

You can get mad at me. You can hate me.

You can hate me, and still laugh at me. That's how talented I am.（very cocky, very true...）

---

I once dated a girl who punched me in the face as hard as she could.

I didn't do anything about it. I didn't say anything about it. I just turned around and left the room.

But in my head, in my head all I was thinking was,

"Haha, now we're even（扯平了）."（爆笑）

破梗：他先打了他的女友。

---

I got a 6-year-old nephew.

I asked him what he wants for his birthday.

He said, "Uncle Anthony, I want you to get me a Barbie doll."

I said, "Fuck you!（笑声）You 6-year-old piece of shit."（笑声）

And don't get me wrong. I don't care if he plays with dolls. He can wear dresses if he wants to.

But I'm not getting him a Barbie doll.

You see, Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. （掌声、欢呼声——误导观众，让观众以为他觉得芭比娃娃给女孩制定了过高的美丽标准）

Of how easy it's gonna be to tear off a head.（大笑、欢呼声——这神转折）

---

I get really mad at people who get sensitive about comedy.

You're sensitive about comedy. It's the dumbest thing you can do.

I call them 'the joke police'.

They always have one rule. ONE RULE they have - you can't make fun of 'this' right now.

After a couple of years they move on to something else.

Which is why it's so hypocritical（虚伪）.

Like the thing today, the thing right now you can't make fun of, the thing that's too sensitive of at this moment - transgendered people（变性人）.

See? （爆笑）

破梗：折寿孽说完“变性人”后现场一片死寂，这恰恰证明“变性人”在当时是一个很敏感的话题（其实大家只是没感觉到有笑点），于是折寿孽说：看到了吧我说得对吧！然后大家就被他逗笑了。（折寿孽好机智好萌好萌）

You can't do it. You can't make fun of them. It's too sensitive.

In fact, you can't even call them 'chicks with dicks' anymore.（笑声）

No. No!

You have to call them 'men who talk too much'. （大笑、掌声、欢呼声）

---

Man, my parents were strict.

My mom and dad once made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. An entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting（in one sitting: 一口气）.

Just to teach me an important lesson.

About brand loyalty（品牌忠诚度）.（爆笑）

---

My dad was a hardass（很不好惹的人）. One of those guys who believed that men just learned by doing things.

You don't take classes. You don't read the instructions.

You just do it. You figure it out.

Like when I was a kid, I never got to take swimming lessons. No.

My dad would just pick me up and throw me in the water.

To teach himself CPR（心肺复苏术）.（爆笑）

---

My grandmother wanted to go peacefully in her sleep. 

We thought that's how she went. We were all excited for her.

But then we did an autopsy（尸检）. Found out she actually died horribly. In the worst way possible - during an autopsy.（爆笑——太黑暗了这段子...）

She always said her grandkids didn't pay enough attention to her and... she was right.

---

I don't tell dark jokes because I'm a comedian.

I'm a comedian because I tell dark jokes.

---

接下来是全场最精彩最深刻的一段，这一次脱口秀也是根据这段命名的。

They say, "Well, Anthony, the problem is, if you make a joke on twitter the day of a tragedy, it seems like you're making fun of the victims. And that's wrong."

But that's not what I'm doing.

Because you see, the day of a tragedy, victims are not on twitter.

Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong.

The day of a tragedy, victims have got victim shit to do.

No one is ever.. no one has ever been putting on a tourniquet（止血带）and asking, "Hey, are we trending?（我们上热搜了吗？）" No.

This is who I'm making fun of, when I make a joke on twitter the day of a tragedy - the people who see something horrible happen in the world.

And they run to the Internet. They run to their social media - Facebook, their twitter, whatever they got.

And they all write down THE EXACT SAME THING:

My thoughts and prayers~

My thoughts and prayers with the people in Aurora~

My thoughts and prayers with the families in Boston~

Do you know what that's worth?

Fucking nothing.（欢呼声、掌声）

Fucking not... less than nothing. Less than nothing.

You're not giving any of your time, your money, or even your compassion.

All you are doing, all you are doing, is saying:

Don't forget about me today~

Don't forget about me~

Lots of crazy distractions on the new right now, but don't forget about how sad I am~

（欢呼声、掌声）

These people are worthless and they deserve to be made fun of.

They're like a wedding photographer who only takes selfies（自拍）.（爆笑）